The middle...

One thing I’ve learned recently is how easily influenced I am by external influences.   Like for example, if I think someone is cool and they like said musical artist, I’ll be inclined to check out whatever musical artist and see if I like them too.   And if I do, great.

But at the same time, what about what’s true to me?    First and foremost, in addition to the above statement, if there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that said friends, while they might appreciate my open-mindedness, will still love me all the same regardless of what music I listen to.

I think it’s absolutely ok for me to be interested in things introduced to me by other people.   In fact it’s actually one of the things I really do love about myself.    But sometimes I think I get so distracted by “oh I need to be more like this like this person” that I lose focus on who I am and what I feel.

I’ve made so many new friends at work and I’m so grateful for that and also lucky to work at a place where I get to see and work with and endure terrible customers with people I’m friends with.   I love the camaraderie and can only hope to find that when I eventually progress into a music career (hopefully).   I’ve become a lot closer to one person in particular (who I was actually convinced didn’t like me for a long time lol), and I have to say she has DEFINITELY influenced who I am and who I’ve become in the past year, but even after that, she’s influenced me so much to want to be who I am.

She just does her thing and doesn’t care what anyone else thinks and she is awesome!   (And she is also a real person and past the point I am in my life where I am still trying to figure things out, but still….)   Talking to her really inspires me to figure out who Katie is, how/where I fit into this world, what my role is, and how ON EARTH I can stand on my own two feet as comfortably as she does.

Which I guess is how this ties into music, haha.    I mentioned this in a previous blog too, but she is a manager and is definitely what one of my clarinet friends and I would deem as “fierce”.    Working with her and seeing her kick ass at her job makes me want to kick ass at the clarinet, and want to practice, and be the best musician I can be, etc.

Which has got me so pumped for my upcoming senior recital in May.   Like I am PUMPED.   I want it to kick ass.   I want it to be so good and I want to leave my audience “in awe” (as Katy Perry would say) SO BADLY.   

And I have a feeling that because I want it to be, it WILL be, because, after all that I have learned in the past year, I have a reason to want to play for myself again, which I haven’t had in awhile.

I want my recital in May to reflect who I am as a person, and MY piece  this puzzle we are ALL a part of.   I’ve been admiring everyone else’s puzzle pieces for long it’s about damn time I have one of my own and I want this recital to be a reflection of that.  

I’ve learned so much since my junior recital (and I mean about life and the role music REALLY plays in the BIGGER PICTURE) and I want to play with all of that new knowledge, knowing it, believing it, living it and I want the music that comes out of my clarinet on May 5th to reflect all of that.  

For the first time in a VERY long time, I’m not out to impress anyone, I’m not trying to prove myself to anyone.    I’m playing for my own reasons that day, I’m playing a kickass program, and I can’t wait to share it with everyone and I can’t wait for it to reflect who I am and what I believe in.

One of the teachers at Aria this summer talked about how we needed to find our “natural voice” when play.    I look forward to finding mine as I prepare for my recital.

Now, if I can stay this excited and motivated and NOT let the school of music get to me throughout the semester, I will be all set.

(Easier said than done, ha.)